In my experience as a therapist, I do not often see woman physically leave their marriages that often. Instead they leave their marriages emotionally by walling themselves off and becoming engrossed in other areas of life. Unhappy, dissatisfied woman will spend their time and energy taking care of their children, becoming gym addicts, working too much, or preoccupied with social media. The one common theme is that they are no longer present in their marriage. They do their motherly duties and are “good-enough” wives but they are simply not present anymore. The sex suffers, and in time the relationship disintegrates.
I cannot tell you have often a wife will sit in my office in pain, and tell me how she is not interested in sex anymore and how she no longer feels attractive. When we begin to talk about the dynamics between her and her spouse, the theme becomes evident. She does not feel “seen” by her spouse. What does this mean? What is she talking about? This is the common question I get from husbands. The answer is quite simple- husbands forget to “see” their wives. Before anything else your wife is a woman and needs to be made to feel like a sexual being. They need to be looked out at, like you are seeing them for the first time when you are together. Like they are new and interesting. A caress on the thigh, a longing gaze, or even a sexy text can work but they need to feel “wooed” a little bit each day.
Think back to how intense men are when they want a woman. The pursuing, the persistence, the intention. A man will do almost anything for a woman who he does not have yet, it is the hunt in their nature. When a woman becomes a wife, a mother, and a best friend – they become less of a focal point and ultimately taken for granted. That intention that once created the sexual dynamic wanes and so does the sexual energy. This is a rookie mistake, one that is made by even the most sophisticated of men.
Woman want to be “seen,”, they want to be noticed, and they want to be looked at as sexual beings. This makes them feel sexy, sexual and wanted. They want to feel the way they felt when you first met. Like you could not breathe without them and that you would not want to. So, instead of flirting with the girl at Starbucks, or watching sports all night, take 10 minutes and look at your wife and appreciate this sexual being that lives in your home. This feeling is absolutely intoxicating. The truth is, if you can find a way to incorporate this into your marriage on the daily…then you my friend have found the secret key to woman and to life-long sex!